Using "Big Magic" to get beyond the fear

Most of us know our character flaws. Some are hidden well and take years to find, acknowledge and finally address. Mine is fear. There! San't be too afraid if I announce it to the entire world, but still I haven't come to grips with it. It doesn't drive my life like it used to, thankfully. When fear was in charge nothing happened. I was paralyzed. I kept doing, but I did what I thought everyone else wanted me to do. That's what fear did to me - it blinded me.

I just finished Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear and found it inspiring. Now as a famous writer, she admits to getting lots of fans who tell her how wonderful Eat Pray Love was, and many people have criticized it; I couldn't get through myself (can't tell you why, but there it is) so I can't give an honest opinion but by what she wrote in this book she's perfectly okay with that. That to me is a great lesson; not everyone is going to like everything I do or write, and that shouldn't keep me from doing and writing. The fear of people not liking me or my work kept me from even starting and that allowed fear to stay right where it wanted to be - in charge.

It's that perfectionism streak that does me in, and here's Elizabeth's advice on that: "You must learn how to become a deeply disciplined half-ass. It starts by forgetting about perfect. We don't have time for perfect. In any event, perfection is unachievable" (166). I love that. Someone has given me permission to be a half-ass, which is better than being a no-ass, which is what I was if I allowed perfectionism to prevent me from getting started. Being a half-ass is progress in my book.

Gilbert has peppered her work with many anecdotes and here is one of my favorites. A 70 year old woman told her, "We all spend our twenties and thirties trying so hard to be perfect, because we're so worried about what people will think of us. Then we get into our forties and fifties, and we finally start to be free, because we decide that we don't give a damn what anyone thinks of us" (174). That's where I stand now on the cusp of 50 and I've finally figured out that I just need to be me whether or not anyone else likes that. I've spent way too much time trying to be someone I thought I should be.

Her book is an eloquent pep talk for all those who strive to live a creative life. Creativity comes in so many forms and whether or not I ever achieve fame and fortune, I've learned that I need to live this way. Hiding my creative side was not helping me to be a happy person.  I'm happier and calmer when I'm following a creative pursuit like writing, or drawing, or decorating the house, or working in my garden, or knitting, or... or... or...  There are so many ways that I enjoy being creative and the challenge is that I only get 24 hours a day, which means I better get to work.

Gilbert, Elizabeth. Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. New York: Riverhead Books, 2015.

Where have I seen this before? #2

Constable on the wall of the
Boston MFA

In my first in the series "Where have I seen this before?" I wrote about mystery plots that had similar plots, that of murder within a group of tourists. Earlier this week I was visiting the Boston MFA, and while walking through the European Art gallery (2nd floor) I spied John Constable on the wall and thought instantly of Ngaio Marsh's Clutch of Constables that I had written about. Pondering the painting more I thought of all the novels I've read that have focused on art as their subject matter, and realized I could compose several blog posts for this series, but I'll start today with just one topic to focus on - smart, talented, young girl used by older guy.

The Art Forger by B.A. Shapiro tells the story of Claire Roth a fine arts graduate student who has fallen in love with her married painting professor and engages in a sexual relationship with him. Isaac Cullion is a modern abstract painter with a case of undiagnosed mental illness (bi-polar?) who has lost his groove, flow, muse, inspiration - you choose what to call it. Claire makes the mistake of trying to egg him on to create a piece of art for an exhibition by telling him they will do it together. She starts the canvas, he directs by instructing her how to use his techniques. A work of art is produced and Cullion signs his name. The critics come to view and are astounded. The MOMA acquires the painting and proudly displays it. Cullion says nothing, accepts the accolades, and then returns to his wife. Claire decides to speak up for her work, but only manages to turn the art world against her - she's the spurned mistress trying to get hers back on her lover.

Several years later, Aiden Markel, owner of a prestigious Boston art gallery comes looking for Claire.  Claire has been making a living working for a firm that specializes in making reproductions of famous paintings, let's be clear they are not being sold as the real thing. Claire it turns out is very good at her job. Markel brings her one of the stolen art works from the infamous Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum robbery for her to forge. His plan is to sell the forgery to a buyer and get the real thing back onto the museum wall. I'll let you imagine how well this will work out for Claire. Sorry no spoilers today.

Amy Gail Hansen chooses a different art form that of writing for her novel The Butterfly Sister. Ruby Rousseau a senior at a fictitious all girls college on the banks of one of the Great Lakes, makes the mistake of starting a romantic relationship with her married professor, the one who will be grading her senior essay. The first sign that things aren't going well is that her notes mysteriously disappear around the time that Ruby's lover admits to sharing some of her ideas in a talk he'd given at a conference (the one he didn't or wouldn't let her attend with him). Must keep our relationship a secret is his excuse. As the semester goes on, the professor starts to grow cool while Ruby works long hours on her thesis. The big day comes - he gives her a D on the paper, she finds him in bed with another woman, and driven to the brink she attempts suicide.

Ruby has withdrawn from school and is working on putting her life back together when she receives the suitcase of a missing fellow student. Looking through its contents she spies a clue that she holds onto before turning the suitcase over to the police who are looking for the missing girl. Ruby begins piecing together the facts that her beloved professor, for she's still stuck on him, is in fact a serial user of students both sexually and for their work. That's right, the man has stolen her brilliant senior thesis and published it as his own work. And she's not the first he has done this to. Read on for I will give no spoiler here today.

Point is both these novels deal with young women who trust the wrong man when it comes their creativity. The men use their work for their own gains whether it be for money, prestige, or job security. Both women never saw it coming that the men that they loved would steal their creations and pass them off as their own. Plagiarism is a huge crime on the intellectual level, but these men also committed the crime of psychological and emotional abuse by using a sexual relationship to get what they wanted. Both women were immature when it comes to relationships and they gave themselves whole-heartedly to these men. Their hearts were abused, as well as, their minds leaving them with the task of learning to trust again and hopefully to love again. But more importantly having the confidence to create again.

Hansen, Amy Gail. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2013. Print
Shapiro, B.A. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 2012. Print.

Coffee and books - the elixirs of Life

How Starbucks Saved my Life
Michael Gates Gill

Picked up a memoir to read over my February break from school, Michael Gates Gill's How Starbucks Saved My Life: A son of privilege learns to live like everyone else.  Now first of all I must be honest, as a New Englander, if I buy coffee out (Yankee thrift means I brew my own at home) I tend to prefer Dunkin Doughnuts to Starbucks. There I said it. I'm sure that will lead to lots of controversy. Point is I don't think you have to be a coffee drinker to appreciate the lessons that Gill learned and shared in his honest account of putting together his life after being fired from his long-time, high flying, well paid job as an advertising executive; divorce from his wife of many years with whom he had four children, and fathering of a fifth child with a woman he'd had an affair with, which contributed to his divorce. Alone and broke he found himself in his local Starbucks being asked by a young African American woman if he was looking for a job. His answer was simple - yes.

Gill was the son of wealthy, well-connected parents. His memoir is sprinkled with names of the famous people he met through his parents, as well as, the people he met in his own professional life after having attended the right school (Yale) and getting the right job (hired by another alumnus). But it didn't matter who he knew on the day he realized that he'd really screwed up his life because those people were no longer able to offer him the assistance he most needed - a job. Now he was a man who needed income and health insurance benefits, especially after learning that he had a rare tumor that was impacting his hearing. So he started his new job at the bottom. Afraid of screwing up he accepted cleaning chores and found them to be concrete tasks that he felt confident of being able to successfully complete. His manager worked him slowly up the task that he feared the most - waiting on customers and running the cash register. Eventually he would find a niche serving as a coffee ambassador and to the most challenging of all - making of the espresso drinks.

With each new hurdle, Gill shared a memory about a similar challenge in his earlier life, or more like seeing the situation from the side he'd previously been on. Now he was the student,  the minority,  the employee, or the invisible. I read how he learned so many of life's many painful lessons late in life and how had he been open to these lessons earlier in his life how different it would have been. Lessons in how to be a better husband, father, mentor, or member of society.

Sometimes we need to lose everything in order to start fresh and learn a new way of living. Many a recovering addict (insert addiction type here) will tell you that they had to hit bottom before they could take on Step 1 (admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable) and start the long road back to sanity. But there are others who say that you can start changing your life no matter where you are on the road. Reading this memoir was a reminder that I don't need to wait for the bad times for me to tackle change in my life. Change can happen any time as long as we are open to the signs, the lessons, the teachers, and the desire.

Where have I seen this before? - #1

Sometimes we all need a little refresher in how to do something that we do constantly and take for granted in this case - reading. Thomas C. Foster's How to Read Literature Like a Professor was sitting on our bookshelf from the time I purchased it for my daughter to use in her first AP Literature course as a junior in high school (now a senior in college?!!), just tempting me to pick it up and peruse its chapters. Several chapters were devoted to the sources from which authors draw inspiration for characters, themes, symbols, plot devices, and more. Of course I knew that authors do that all the time, but it made me pause to think about the current stories that I was drawn into.

I've written before about the joys of audiobooks as the ultimate in hands free reading. Talk about multitasking: reading while driving, reading while walking, reading while doing housework, and reading while knitting. What could be better? So I found a title among the many on the library's website, downloaded it and proceeded to "read." Katherine Hall Page's amateur sleuth, Faith Fairchild, a resident of a fictional Massachusetts town, which based on all the setting clues is located not to far from where I live, was on vacation in Italy with her husband. (The Body in the Piazza) Arriving in Rome they meet a charming British travel writer who shortly gets murdered in front of their very eyes. After giving the police their statements the Fairchilds figure that the authorities will take over and solve the case so they move on to their next stop a cooking class held at the Tuscan villa of their old friends. There they meet their fellow culinary students and all is not as it seems.

Now where have I seen this before? Ah-ha! Ngaio Marsh one of the Grand Dames of British Crime writing has used this one before. In When in Rome, she plants her multilingual, sophisticated inspector from the CID, Roderick Alleyn amend a group of tourists. He is hot on the trail of a drug dealer who ends up the murdered corpse. Not all of the members of the tourist group are who they seem to be. Oh there is the innocent traveler mixed in with the drug users and victims of the murdered man's blackmailing schemes, but who among them is the killer?

She used the device again in A Clutch of Constables, this time planting Troy Alleyn the inspector's wife in the role of amateur sleuth and innocent traveler among a group of tourists who are not who they claim to be. This time it is Troy who gathers clues and impressions of her fellow travelers trying to figure out who might be the killer. Luckily, her husband comes to assist in identifying the killer before an innocent traveller is falsely accused of murder.

Agatha Christie also placed her famous detectives on holiday among people with murder in their hearts. I can think of Miss Marple resting up on an warm tropical island after a bout with illness in A Caribbean Mystery and Hercule Poirot vacationing in Egypt cruising along in Death on the Nile. The more I sit and think about it, I find that  I could name many other titles where a group of tourists are under the suspicions of the police or super sleuth for having committed murder. It is certainly a favorite plot device of authors and of this reader.

Mealtimes with Buddha

Two of Ronald Merullo's titles in
the series of meals with Buddha

Although these are fictional works they are infused with the wisdom of the Buddha's teaching. For a novice in Eastern Philosophy they were an excellent introduction instructing me about these principles and how they could be applied in my life. These books along with others I've read on meditation and mindfulness have only helped to support my burgeoning practice of meditation.

I'd like to share a few quotes and lessons I've gained from these stories.

1. "You grew up in central Connecticut. No one has issues about central Connecticut." (p. 7 from Breakfast with Buddha) - okay nothing too deep here except a belly laugh (which is great for the soul) because I grew up in central Connecticut.

2. "I wonder, sometimes, if the same deep desire lies at the heart of addiction to drugs, to drink, to eating, to work: are we all just desperately looking for some strategy that will get us past the shoals of modern existence and safely into that imagined, calm port?" (p. 19 from Breakfast) - deeper thought required here on my part. Haven't I over the years battled with my own addictions (mostly food and work) to escape from the challenges of life? Still I am drawn to them as ways to ease the pain, but more and more I'm seeing that they don't work so well anymore. Now I want quiet. To sit and breathe. Or more often to get outdoors for a walk to enjoy moving and being in nature.

3. To paraphrase from pages 108-109 from Breakfast - we learn by living, from getting through all the challenges whether they be great struggles or the mundane chores of everyday living. But if we take the time to quiet the mind be it through meditation or prayer, we can increase our ability to learn from life's lessons. "It means you will squeeze all the juice from this life that there is to squeeze. You will not waste your time here, that you have been given, that is so precious we do not realize until the moment we die." (p. 109) - Wow!!! Right??!! How powerful those words are to me as I re-read these pages that I had marked for future reference. I am in the midst of grieving the loss of my dear mother-in-law and once again faced with observing my life. Am I squeezing all there is out of it? I am clearly yearning for more. I don't want to waste a precious moment. But fear is gripping me, can I make the leap of faith that it will take to truly change my life?

4. Again to paraphrase this time from pages 172-174 from Breakfast -  a parable of a young boy who has the desire to play the piano and as he grows to manhood he knows he will never play at the expert level so he begins to settle on choosing not to pursue his passion. His fears of failure and judgement have become barriers to living his life more fully. - Where has this same behavior come from in my life? Perhaps I will never know and perhaps it's no longer important to figure that out. The point is, am I willing to face the fears that prevent me from living, from pursuing passions, from loving more deeply? I want to be.

5. In Dinner with Buddha, Otto Ringling the narrator of these stories has a profound experience while meditating that I think helps to sum up what I am working towards. He describes it as follows: "It took a minute or two, but I could feel what I can only describe as a deep satisfaction enveloping me. Satisfaction is not quite the word, however. This was a state of being that I hadn't ever known, not in my best days as a father or husband or anything else, not in my quietest meditations. This was an absolute forgiveness for all that I was not, for all that I had not done right in this lifetime. A slate wiped clean." (p. 236-7) - He speaks further about a sense of belonging in the world. That all we have is our sense of being and that we are "perfect in (our - my change) imperfection."

Like a nourishing meal, these thoughts must be first be inhaled allowing the aroma to awaken the senses and start the flow of saliva from the glands. Tasted slowly to let the sensory buds identify the favor. Chew to get the texture and feel not to mention to begin the digestive process. The swallow - for not all bites or lessons are easy to get down some are more palatable than others. The process of digestion is slow as all the nutrients are broken down into smaller and smaller units being readied for absorption. The absorbed nutrients will then speed along the way through the blood to the cells where these building blocks will be used to fuel the cell or to be refashioned into new structures. Either way growth occurs - something new is built from something old.

Merullo has given me much to reflect upon. I have been filled up with new ideas, ones which must be chewed, digested, absorbed, and used to build a new way of looking at the world. Like many times before a book has arrived in my life when I needed it most. Lessons to be learned. Growth pains to be endured while I move from one stage of life to another.

Breakfast with Buddha,  Roland Merullo, Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, c. 2008
Dinner with Buddha, Roland Merullo, Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, c. 2015

Vintage Kitchens and Cozy Mysteries

Hoosier Cabinet

We are warned to be wary of multitasking, that our brains are not wired to handle doing several of tasks at once and doing them all well. In one instance I disagree, I'm a fan of 'reading' while walking. Exercising might not be one of my favorite things, but listening to an audiobook (reading is one of my favorite things) helps to make the miles go quicker especially if I'm on the treadmill.  Installing the Overdrive app on my phone was a brilliant move on my part. Just log into my local library, search for a new title to listen to, download, and off I go down the road.


That's how I found Victoria Hamilton's Vintage Kitchen Mysteries featuring budding cookbook author, collector of vintage cookbooks and cookware, and amateur sleuth - Jaymie Leighton. The first in the series, A Deadly Grind  centered around a hidden object in a Hoosier cabinet that Jaymie had purchased at an estate auction. I was pleased to see how an author could create a story around a piece of furniture that I had in my very own dining room.  My piece is a hand-me-down from my aunt and uncle when they downsized from a larger home when they retired.

The ensuing stories have all revolved around different vintage items that Jaymie has acquired or is researching for her writing projects (I've only gotten through the first three novels so I can't speak for all the titles). I too like to collect dinner and glassware. With the passing of my grandmothers and great aunts I have selected items from their kitchens as a way to remember them and their homes. The little blue and white doll pictured is actually a set of nesting measuring cups. The two small monks are a pepper and salt shaker set, and the larger one is designed to hold some other condiment such as mustard. His head is removable and there is a small spoon to ladle out the contents.

Doll is actually nesting measuring
cups. 

Vintage kitchenware - Monks
are salt and pepper shakers,
large monk's head comes off
and there is a small spoon.

Books - food for the soul

I am no where near finishing the current book I'm reading (G.M. Malliet's A Demon Summer), but I came across this quote that struck me to the core: Books are to the soul what food is to the body. Let the sister in charge of the scriptorium be alive to the rare sanctity of her duty. - The Rule of the Order of the Handmaids of St. Lucy (p. 120). Maillet has placed her character, Max Tudor former British spy turned vicar turned amateur sleuth, in a fictitious abbey run by the Order of the Handmaids of St. Lucy (also fictitious and not to be confused with the Liberal Catholic Order of St. Lucy). Max is making the rounds of the abbey meeting each of the sisters and learning about their role in the order. I haven't even read the chapter about the librarian from which the quote above heads, but the idea that books are food for the soul is such a powerful one I needed to stop and reflect on the thought.

Nourishing the soul can come in many forms I am learning. Just the other day while waiting with my mother for her most recent test results following her cancer treatments we went to the Boston MFA just blocks from the Dana Farber cancer center. There we immersed ourselves in the beauty of the American Impressionists. We spent a good hour and a half in just one particular gallery soaking up the color and emotions that the artists had expressed in their work. Scenes of nature - farmland, forest, seascapes, morning, noon, and sunset. Scenes of everyday life - dressing, caring for the home, children at play, the sharing of a cup of tea with a friend. Scenes of grandeur - city streets, the opera, the aristocracy dressed for coronation ceremonies. Each and every one food for the soul.

Yesterday afternoon working in the garden tending to the plants was another form of nourishment for my soul. I pruned plants whose blossoms are spent and foliage is withering. I transplanted day-lilies and irises to sunnier locations for next spring. I began the task of digging countless holes for spring blooming bulbs. The immediate results are an aching lower back, but the long term results will be the riotous colors I will enjoy from my favorite writing spot.

A good long walk can also be good for the soul. Time to contemplate life in rhythm to my steps and swinging arms. My breath finds a pattern to the motion. My eyes take in the beauty around me. I can either empty my mind of thoughts, or focus on them to find solutions. The endorphins do wonders for body and soul as well.

That brings me to books - the whole reason for this post. Over the course of my life books have been nourishment for my soul. I've lost myself in stories when I needed to escape from the challenges of my own. I've learned from textbooks and in return I teach others using them. I've gotten tips from self-help books on how to organize, exercise, meditate, or cook. I've found comfort and encouragement from books with spiritual or uplifting themes. Books have been there for me and will continue to be there for me to fill my soul. What a duty and gift it is to share books with others. It is one I take seriously.