Keeping Calm When Change Is All Around

"Possibility" - Mixed Media:
-acrylic paint, magazine scraps and jell pen.

It's been one week since I received some life changing news - due to budget cuts and seniority issues my teaching position for next year is no longer mine.  Now what I am asking myself? I have a job until June, but what comes next? Do I want to stay in public education? Do I want to go in an entirely new direction?

One thing is for certain, I have turned to reading for solace and finding it in Bernadette Murphy's Zen and the Art of Knitting: Exploring the links between knitting, spirituality, and creativity. I began reading Murphy's book even before the bad news came as I was drawn to the title because of my own fondness for knitting. Like Murphy herself and the knitters she interviewed, I find peace when knitting. She writes about the calm that comes over one when she's knitting that is like the experience others have when engaging in focusing on the breath or a mantra while meditating.

So how does this tie in with the loss of my job? I found the some words of wisdom on page 126, spoken by a former film producer turned professional artist who stated that when she finally decided to pursue the creative life there were no rules to follow so she had to forge her own path. "I just did what I had to do. And you know what? .... The world will let you do it."

There you go - words to live by. I don't know what the path ahead of me will be, but I can take comfort in knowing that I will be following in the footsteps of others who have gone bravely into that uncharted territory, and I too will learn to follow my own passions in order to fashion the next phase of my life.

I'm feeling a little sheepish today

I've read memoirs written by women who have raised cows, chickens, children, vegetables, fruits, and lots of flowers so why not add sheep to the mix. Catherine Friend's sheepish: Two women, Fifty sheep & Enough Wool to Save the Planet was a can't put down read for me. Friend mixes lots of information about this animal, its history, its role in the environment, its role in businesses and products, and its role in her life. She hadn't meant to be a farmer but for the love of her partner she consented to running a farm and vineyard in Minnesota.

The challenges that these women face are various: weather, finding help during the busy shearing or lambing seasons, the chores, their health, and their relationship. For me I was fascinated with the idea that she was reevaluating her life as we all do during middle age. What was her passion? Part of it was her writing. She admitted that farming wasn't what she expected and not her passion but her partner's. She fantasized of selling up the farm, buying an RV and taking to the road. I had that fantasy once, then we rented an RV for a week's summer vacation and that cured me.

Friend wrote about fiber fanatics and how uncomfortable they made her. Yet as the book unfolds, she is slowly drawn into the world of fleece, yarn, dyeing, spinning, weaving, and even knitting. She reconnects with the sheep and the farm through a new appreciation for the way in which her sheep's wool can bring her into a colorful world. I can appreciate that myself as I am drawn to fabric for quilting, yarn for knitting (both of these things I've done in the past but not so much lately) and my all time favorite hobby - cross stitch. I love to see the patterns of color develop on what was once a blank canvas, almost like a photograph slowly developing.

I hate to admit I'm reaching middle age, but it is true. Even menopause is looming on the horizon. I'm grateful to Friend and her honest sharing of her struggles with "the change," with a long term relationship, and with trying to figure out what you want to do next with your life. As she wrote there may not be an answer in the latest self-help book or memoir but sometimes you can be inspired to keep going knowing that others are in the same place that you are.

Good grief? continued

Journal entry from April 18, 2012
Finished a memoir (All Wound Up: The Yarn Harlot Writes for a Spin) by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, a woman who works from home, blogs, raises three teenaged daughters, and has a passion for knitting. Knitting is Stephanie's art form and livelihood, and as she examines life she relates lessons learned back to the ways of knitting.

I loved the escapades of life that she recounted and could appreciate the humor. Daily life is a challenge and we all need something to do to help us through. I myself have used knitting but most often it's my cross-stitching that I find to be relaxing and meditative.

She wrote an essay entitled "The Time of the Big Not Knitting," about a period of grief in which knitting was not a solace. She chose not to knit, but rather found that she needed all her energy to deal with her deep sorrow, as well as, care for those around her. She never mentions what her deep sorrow was but knews that each reader could relate to a time in his/her own life. I'm finding it hard to write even though I know it might help me.

I had signed up for a writing course shortly before my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. I found I couldn't focus on the first assignment. It was so simple. I composed it in my head. I just couldn't get it out and onto paper or typed into the computer. I ended up withdrawing after the first class. Dad passed away shortly there after.

I'm still struggling with grief. Trying to right my life. There are days I feel I am loat at sea just bobbing along among the waves. Other days I seem to be my very efficient self, things get done and I fell competent.

I'm grateful to have taken a few moments to multitask (I've got dinner on the stove), and to write this little essay in my journal. Hopefully, I will find the energy to generate a blog post of this. There are several others that need to be composed and posted from the journal writing I have done over the last several months.

10/16/2012 - so here is the post finally. The writing is starting to happen again. Just like when Stephanie returned to her knitting once the grief had been lived through and the healing took place.