A Charming Read

Phaedra Patrick's
The Curious Charms of
Arthur Pepper 

After I lost my father I found that I was drawn to reading books about widows perhaps it was my way of understanding what my mother's new life must be like or even what my life would be if I lost my husband. Just over six months ago we lost my mother-in-law and the roles are reversed, I'm observing what the loss of a wife means to her husband. What would life be like for my husband if I go before him? Phaedra Patrick's The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper is one such story that gives such an example.

The story opens on the one year anniversary of Miriam Pepper's death and her husband Arthur has decided today's the day to clear out her clothes. In the year since her death, Arthur has gone about living a very regimented life, life as Miriam lived while dodging the helpful concern of fellow widow and neighbor Bernadette, and missing his two grown children. When he discovers a heart shaped box hidden in one of Miriam's boots he uses his locksmith talents to open the lock and discovers a charm bracelet within one that he doesn't remember his wife ever wearing. Why is it hidden away like this? What can it mean? One of the charms, a small elephant, even has a telephone number inscribed on it. Curiosity pushes Arthur to call the number and so begins his journey to learning about who his wife was before he married her. I'll cut to the chase, the real result is Arthur's journey to discovering who he is now.

Back cover quote - funny thing
I've now read all these titles. 

"But not once had his wife made him feel like he wasn't good enough. He was doing that to himself" (Patrick 132). This quote struck right to my heart as the struggle I've been living with all my life. I've always thought that people were judging me, and perhaps they were, but maybe not in the way I thought they were. I've managed to do that for myself and harshly at times. Lesson number one for Arthur, and for me, is to stop doing that to ourselves. The cliche that we need to love ourselves before we can love others is at work again here.

Arthur revisits a seaside vacation spot and discovers a small crab in a tidal pool, "Perhaps I've been stuck in a rock pool too, he thought. I need to be in the sea, even if it's scary and unknown. If I don't do it, then I will shrivel and die" (Patric 287) What really needs to happen for any of us is to heal our hurts in order to open ourselves up to the next great thing that life has to offer us. It takes courage to put ourselves out there in the world. Arthur realizes his desire to expand his horizons. This journey has taken him away from home, introduced him to new people, pushed him out of his comfort zone, and shown him a different side of his wife - a part of her life she wanted to hide from him - "I have to trust that you did it for the right reasons. And I'm still alive. I wish you were, too, but you're not. And I want to live even though it hurts. I don't want to be a dried-up crab" (Patrick 288). And that is so what I want for my husband should I go first - I want him to live.

Patrick, Phaedra. The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper. United States: Mira Books, 2016. Print.

Mealtimes with Buddha

Two of Ronald Merullo's titles in
the series of meals with Buddha

Although these are fictional works they are infused with the wisdom of the Buddha's teaching. For a novice in Eastern Philosophy they were an excellent introduction instructing me about these principles and how they could be applied in my life. These books along with others I've read on meditation and mindfulness have only helped to support my burgeoning practice of meditation.

I'd like to share a few quotes and lessons I've gained from these stories.

1. "You grew up in central Connecticut. No one has issues about central Connecticut." (p. 7 from Breakfast with Buddha) - okay nothing too deep here except a belly laugh (which is great for the soul) because I grew up in central Connecticut.

2. "I wonder, sometimes, if the same deep desire lies at the heart of addiction to drugs, to drink, to eating, to work: are we all just desperately looking for some strategy that will get us past the shoals of modern existence and safely into that imagined, calm port?" (p. 19 from Breakfast) - deeper thought required here on my part. Haven't I over the years battled with my own addictions (mostly food and work) to escape from the challenges of life? Still I am drawn to them as ways to ease the pain, but more and more I'm seeing that they don't work so well anymore. Now I want quiet. To sit and breathe. Or more often to get outdoors for a walk to enjoy moving and being in nature.

3. To paraphrase from pages 108-109 from Breakfast - we learn by living, from getting through all the challenges whether they be great struggles or the mundane chores of everyday living. But if we take the time to quiet the mind be it through meditation or prayer, we can increase our ability to learn from life's lessons. "It means you will squeeze all the juice from this life that there is to squeeze. You will not waste your time here, that you have been given, that is so precious we do not realize until the moment we die." (p. 109) - Wow!!! Right??!! How powerful those words are to me as I re-read these pages that I had marked for future reference. I am in the midst of grieving the loss of my dear mother-in-law and once again faced with observing my life. Am I squeezing all there is out of it? I am clearly yearning for more. I don't want to waste a precious moment. But fear is gripping me, can I make the leap of faith that it will take to truly change my life?

4. Again to paraphrase this time from pages 172-174 from Breakfast -  a parable of a young boy who has the desire to play the piano and as he grows to manhood he knows he will never play at the expert level so he begins to settle on choosing not to pursue his passion. His fears of failure and judgement have become barriers to living his life more fully. - Where has this same behavior come from in my life? Perhaps I will never know and perhaps it's no longer important to figure that out. The point is, am I willing to face the fears that prevent me from living, from pursuing passions, from loving more deeply? I want to be.

5. In Dinner with Buddha, Otto Ringling the narrator of these stories has a profound experience while meditating that I think helps to sum up what I am working towards. He describes it as follows: "It took a minute or two, but I could feel what I can only describe as a deep satisfaction enveloping me. Satisfaction is not quite the word, however. This was a state of being that I hadn't ever known, not in my best days as a father or husband or anything else, not in my quietest meditations. This was an absolute forgiveness for all that I was not, for all that I had not done right in this lifetime. A slate wiped clean." (p. 236-7) - He speaks further about a sense of belonging in the world. That all we have is our sense of being and that we are "perfect in (our - my change) imperfection."

Like a nourishing meal, these thoughts must be first be inhaled allowing the aroma to awaken the senses and start the flow of saliva from the glands. Tasted slowly to let the sensory buds identify the favor. Chew to get the texture and feel not to mention to begin the digestive process. The swallow - for not all bites or lessons are easy to get down some are more palatable than others. The process of digestion is slow as all the nutrients are broken down into smaller and smaller units being readied for absorption. The absorbed nutrients will then speed along the way through the blood to the cells where these building blocks will be used to fuel the cell or to be refashioned into new structures. Either way growth occurs - something new is built from something old.

Merullo has given me much to reflect upon. I have been filled up with new ideas, ones which must be chewed, digested, absorbed, and used to build a new way of looking at the world. Like many times before a book has arrived in my life when I needed it most. Lessons to be learned. Growth pains to be endured while I move from one stage of life to another.

Breakfast with Buddha,  Roland Merullo, Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, c. 2008
Dinner with Buddha, Roland Merullo, Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, c. 2015

The books we are not ready to read yet

It was a book I thought would be just right up my alley. I found it at the library, it was a memoir (a genre I love to read), it was about England (I am an Anglophile and my sister is currently living there so I thought it would be good to learn more about the country), and it hinted at being funny. Here you go read the back jacket blurb for yourself (Ben Hatch Are We Nearly There Yet?)

It started out okay. In fact it was good. But then a certain incident was inserted into the narrative and my foreboding nerve was stimulated. Something was around the corner and I wasn't going to like it. I kept going. Then it struck like the blow that I received just last January 2nd - Stage IV Cancer. There is nothing that can be done. There are only months. Enjoy what time you have left. I'm sorry Ben Hatch, but I had to put your book down and return it to the library. My pain was too raw and I had no space in my heart to carry yours as well. I was still trying to process my own grief. I have a great deal of empathy for you but I couldn't go on.

There are several of those stories over the last few months I have tried to read. Long before Dad's illness I had read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Pausch shared with us the challenge of living out the end of one's life fully knowing of the outcome that awaits someone who's cancer can not be cured. I thought I could handle reading his widow's memoir Dream New Dreams. I'm sorry Jai Pausch but I couldn't do it. Watching my mother's grieving and knowing the pain she was going through putting her new life in order, I couldn't bear another widow's challenges as well. Perhaps one day I will be able to go back and read these memoirs by these talented writers and learn from their life lessons but for today I have my own story to process and write.

Good grief? continued

Journal entry from April 18, 2012
Finished a memoir (All Wound Up: The Yarn Harlot Writes for a Spin) by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, a woman who works from home, blogs, raises three teenaged daughters, and has a passion for knitting. Knitting is Stephanie's art form and livelihood, and as she examines life she relates lessons learned back to the ways of knitting.

I loved the escapades of life that she recounted and could appreciate the humor. Daily life is a challenge and we all need something to do to help us through. I myself have used knitting but most often it's my cross-stitching that I find to be relaxing and meditative.

She wrote an essay entitled "The Time of the Big Not Knitting," about a period of grief in which knitting was not a solace. She chose not to knit, but rather found that she needed all her energy to deal with her deep sorrow, as well as, care for those around her. She never mentions what her deep sorrow was but knews that each reader could relate to a time in his/her own life. I'm finding it hard to write even though I know it might help me.

I had signed up for a writing course shortly before my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. I found I couldn't focus on the first assignment. It was so simple. I composed it in my head. I just couldn't get it out and onto paper or typed into the computer. I ended up withdrawing after the first class. Dad passed away shortly there after.

I'm still struggling with grief. Trying to right my life. There are days I feel I am loat at sea just bobbing along among the waves. Other days I seem to be my very efficient self, things get done and I fell competent.

I'm grateful to have taken a few moments to multitask (I've got dinner on the stove), and to write this little essay in my journal. Hopefully, I will find the energy to generate a blog post of this. There are several others that need to be composed and posted from the journal writing I have done over the last several months.

10/16/2012 - so here is the post finally. The writing is starting to happen again. Just like when Stephanie returned to her knitting once the grief had been lived through and the healing took place.