Keeping Calm When Change Is All Around

"Possibility" - Mixed Media:
-acrylic paint, magazine scraps and jell pen.

It's been one week since I received some life changing news - due to budget cuts and seniority issues my teaching position for next year is no longer mine.  Now what I am asking myself? I have a job until June, but what comes next? Do I want to stay in public education? Do I want to go in an entirely new direction?

One thing is for certain, I have turned to reading for solace and finding it in Bernadette Murphy's Zen and the Art of Knitting: Exploring the links between knitting, spirituality, and creativity. I began reading Murphy's book even before the bad news came as I was drawn to the title because of my own fondness for knitting. Like Murphy herself and the knitters she interviewed, I find peace when knitting. She writes about the calm that comes over one when she's knitting that is like the experience others have when engaging in focusing on the breath or a mantra while meditating.

So how does this tie in with the loss of my job? I found the some words of wisdom on page 126, spoken by a former film producer turned professional artist who stated that when she finally decided to pursue the creative life there were no rules to follow so she had to forge her own path. "I just did what I had to do. And you know what? .... The world will let you do it."

There you go - words to live by. I don't know what the path ahead of me will be, but I can take comfort in knowing that I will be following in the footsteps of others who have gone bravely into that uncharted territory, and I too will learn to follow my own passions in order to fashion the next phase of my life.

Bread and the food of life

Art Journal Pages - "Charmed Life"

It's the simple things in life that can either bring the most joy or be our biggest challenge. Take food for example, we need it to live but too much of it and then it becomes a health issue. I have struggled all my life with my weight. I certainly know what healthy eating looks like, but for me food is more than energy, it can soothe my weary soul.

Reading can do that for me as well. When my brain is overflowing with thoughts, picking up a book can help me to escape the vortex that is building up inside. Sourdough or, Lois and Her Adventures in the Underground Market by Robin Sloan turned out to be a book that nourished my soul on a day that I needed comfort.

Lois a young programmer for a robotics company lives a very sheltered life in the bustling city of San Francisco. She follows the lead of several of her co-workers who are meeting their nutritional needs by drinking a product they refer to as Slurry. Lois begins to consume (because eating would be the wrong word here) it three times a day. On her doorstep she finds a flyer for a little takeout place offering spicy soup and bread. She orders. She gets hooked. But when the work visas for the operators of the business expire they must leave the country but not without giving her a parting gift - a crock of sourdough starter. Now her adventures really begin.

I've found myself reading a lot of stories in this same vein - character is living an unsatisfying life, event happens to upend the status quo, change happens leading to the discovery of a new way of living. I guess it is a sign that my life is not going the way I want it to. I read Sloan's book in the course of a day off from work. I needed to leave my life behind while I went with my mother into Boston for a visit with her oncologist. A day of tests and lots of waiting. A day filled with the unspoken worry "has the cancer come back?" The answer - no. Thank God.

Getting a medical diagnosis is one of those events that turns your world upside down. The worrying can consume you and you need to find a way to deal with it, or at least avoid it for a little while. Reading for me helps at times like these. I want to thank the authors who have helped me during the difficult times of life - you made it possible for me to survive them.

Learning from The World's Strongest Librarian

Unbeliever's Prayer - John Gunther, Jr.
Art Journal Piece

The third Nor'easter in twelve days means another snow day on which to be able to finish up reading the current title on my bedside table - The World's Strongest Librarian: A book lover's adventures by Josh Hanagarne.  How could I not be drawn to a title like this one, for aren't I a book lover too? From the earliest age, even still in the womb, Josh's mother took him to the public library where he fell in love with books and reading. Reading would become a key coping skill as he dealt with his Tourette Syndrome diagnosis. It was fascinating to learn first hand what life is like for someone with this disorder and how Josh strove to calm the tics. It wasn't easy. He struggled to get through school, his Mormon mission experience, and through the work day.

It was his passion for books that finally led him to find his life's work as a librarian, "saving lives and worlds isn't in my purview....Saving minds, however ... perhaps it's not as farfetched. (p. 208)" He goes on to talk about the power of a mind that continues always to think, to question, to search: "The mind that asks and experiments and evaluates will die one day, but will provide a richer life for its owner. The mind that does nothing but rest inside the brain doesn't sidestep the puddle. It's sitting in it. (p. 208)" How powerful is that! That is my worst fear in life - losing my mind. Not only do we struggle to keep our bodies under control, and Hanagarne knows more than most of us that battle, but to work to keep our minds intact is something we must all work at. There are days as a teacher that I encounter a student who has stopped asking why, who has no desire to keep learning, who wants the right answer without working to find it for themselves, who is afraid of being creative, who fails to take the risk - and my heart breaks. And I ask myself - what kind of life is that?

Another part of Hanagarne's story is his travels down the road along the journey of faith. He was raised in the Mormon church, but when he hit his early twenties began to doubt and question. I could sympathize with him for as someone raised in the Roman Catholic tradition I too have had to question mainly the difference between belief in God and belief in a religion. Like Hanagarne who by the end of the book implies he's still trying to figure it out, so am I. In reading Will Schwalbe's Books for Living, I came across his quotation of "The Unbeliever's Prayer" written by John Gunther, Jr in May of 1946. John was a teenager dying of a brain tumor and himself struggling with the issue of faith. (His story is told by his father John Gunther in the memoir Death Be Not Proud) I created the piece above in my art journal, finding the words of this prayer to have deep meaning.

Being a book lover allows me, Schwalbe, and Hanagarne to go on adventures into countless worlds real or imaginary. Those books teach us lessons that allow us to grow and evolve into the people we are and will be. I am where I am today because of the books I've read. Where will I be in five years? Who knows but I will be a different person then because of the experiences I will have lived through and the books I have read.

Digging in, staying put, and blooming

Living the dream - a collection of
magazine clippings 

In need of something different to read, I turned once more to memoir. On the library shelf was Jerusalem Jackson Greer's At Home in this Life. Intrigued by reading the back cover blurb something resonated with me, so home the book went with me.

Greer opens with describing  a "terrible year" that she had lived through. I knew exactly what that consisted for I had lived through about four years in a row of what I would describe as terrible years - Dad died, Mom went through cancer treatment, Memere passed at the age of 100, my mother-in-law passed, and my father-in-law's health deteriorated at such a rate that he had to be moved into assisted living. One thing after another. Now that's not to say that things weren't without joy - both my children graduated from high school and went on to college, Mom is approaching her third year cancer free, I found a new job, and there were countless glimpses of peace and serenity even on the darkest days.

Jerusalem, a loving wife and mother, wanted more for her family and dreamed of upping stakes and moving to a farm. It just wasn't meant to be - well not yet. She had some lessons to learn first, the most important being to learn to live well with what and where she already was. Her focus for this memoir is a passage from Jeremiah 29:4-14, which she elegantly summarized as "Be Here Now. Be content and invested in the life you have, instead of wishing for a different life (p.89)." No truer words touched me while reading. Here we are growing older, dreaming of retirement yet there is so much to do in the here and now right where we are now. Before we could ever downsize the house will need a list of projects completed. Now that we are done paying for college, funds can be funneled into a new furnace, roof, and siding for the house. Carpets need replacing and wood floors resurfaced. Plus there is plenty of stuff to purge - stuff we no longer need or would desire to pack up and move to a smaller place.

Art journal piece - found poetry, collage, and zentangle

It was comforting once again to know that I am not alone in the daily struggles of life, that there is someone out there going through the same thing. That's one of the benefits of reading memoirs - coming to see that our lives aren't all that unique and perhaps someone has a small bit of advice that will help us get through. Greer's advice was to learn to live simply, pray for guidance, focus on family, and to serve the greater community when possible. Simple doesn't always mean easy, but when given the chance this type of lifestyle can bring many riches.

I was inspired by her work to create these two pieces that illustrate the many themes discussed in the book. Greer loves to collect, decorate and feather her nest. I love to do the same. The first piece features the display of beautiful dish ware, a passion of mine. The second piece centers on building that safe space that is home.

A book about book club - the book that matters most

Read - Collage of magazine and
vintage book scraps

I do have a thing about books that feature books or bookstores as a central theme (Bookstores, dreams of owning a bookstore, and more bookstores with a mysterious twist) so of course I would be drawn to a book with the title the book that matters most written by Ann Hood. This novel explores the benefit of belonging to a book club. There are many reasons to join a book club (I'm a member of two currently); social, emotional, intellectual needs that can be met by sitting down with others to discuss books (have some yummy snacks and maybe even a glass of wine or a cup of tea). If anything I find that I've been stretched in my reading - taken out of my comfort zone to read titles that I normally might not have chosen.

The book club in Hope's novel is organized by having each member choose a book based on an annual theme. When Ava joins the group, the new theme is "the book that means the most to you." She instantly thinks of a book given to her shortly after her mother's suicide that followed only a year after her younger sister's accidental death. This book helped Ava to get through her grief, but unfortunately she was never able to give up the misguided sense of responsibility for her sister's death.

Ava's got other baggage to deal with - a husband who has left her for a former girlfriend and a daughter who struggles with drug addiction. With the wide spread opioid abuse issues plaguing our country, Hope's description of this young woman's experience is scary.

Each month as the members discuss the various titles we learn about a time in their lives when their particular book mattered the most. "The idea of the book that matters most,' Kiki said. 'Because I think it's like impossible to pick such a book. When you read a book, and who you are when you read it, makes it matter or not." (266) Is it possible to choose one book that matters the most? I think Kiki hit the nail on the head by saying that often the book we are currently reading matters the most. We are transformed by every book that we read somehow even if we don't realize it. The mindfulness of reading - being in the present moment with the content - not looking back to a previous title or thinking about some future book.

Reading has always been a comfort, a source of escape when life gets too hard, or a way of finding enjoyment when things have become to stressful. I think about Tolstoy and the Purple Chair (see post) and the power that reading has to help restore the soul. Ann Hope's book is another one to add to the collection of books that mean something special to me.

Struggling with Predictability

Starry Night -
Mixed Media

For the last week or so I've been having trouble settling down to a "good" book. I got half way through one when I realized that I had "read" it before. Yup, I knew how this story would end because it was taking the predictable story arc of the genre. I did what I think is the unspeakable - I flip through the book and read the end and sure enough there it was the predictable end. Frustration.

With my time not being taken up with reading, I turned my focus to working on my mixed media art. There too I found myself struggling. Being new to the art form, I'm seeking to learn from others and that leads to reading some magazines that focus on providing photo spreads accompanied by how-to tricks. The only way to learn something new is to try it for yourself, but I don't want my work to end up looking like anyone else's. Perhaps one individual magazine issue will have a diverse grouping of work, but buy the next issue and it looks incredibly similar to the previous one.

I realize that being creative is a struggle and if it was easy everyone would be doing it, but I also want to be unique. I'm tired of being one of the pack. I've spent my whole life trying to blend in so as not to ruffle feathers and frankly I'm tired of it. I don't want to be predictable because I've discovered in my predictability others have found a way to take advantage of me and that's got to stop. Recently in my life I had the opportunity to reinvent myself, but I've suddenly realized that I went with my predictable don't make waves style of behavior and I might have lost the chance. But all is not lost. Now that I see it for what it is, I've got the chance to change and to go in a new direction.

The piece of work above didn't come out the way that I wanted it to, but there too I needed to remind myself that I was dabbling - learning to use new techniques. There are several things I do like about the work and just like a book there are good points even if the overall work is disappointing.

In this first miniature of the piece above, I was working with layering a page from a vintage children's book about stars. I'd placed a light gesso wash and wanted to make sure that some of the words showed through the gesso and the paint that I applied above. What I do like here are the some of the brush strokes and the boxing of words to create found poetry.

 In the second close up you can see some of the text showing through. I'm really pleased with the colors that I used. I splattered paint of different colors to get the stippled effect on the paper, but also to get the look of stars in the night sky.
Again in this last photo, you can see some of the paint splatter that works well, but what really pleased me here was the brushstrokes of color. When I first started I had an underpainting of yellow, medium blue, and a bit of aqua. Then I began to add a deeper blue followed by black as I was trying to capture the color of the night when the edge of the western sky still has that last bit of twilight as the eastern sky has darkened enough to allow you to see the stars. But there was something not quite right - I needed another color. I could see that in some places the blue and black had begun to mix to form a purple-pink shade. That was it! I added a couple of elements of pink to the piece and it popped in places.

In the end, I will admit that it is hard to create a perfect finished piece and I must beware of the beast of perfectionism. I will battle to create work that is unique and I pray to stay away from the predictable.

Clearing the Slate - The Rules of Love & Grammar

Rules for Love and Grammar -
Mixed Media Collage

"You've got to have a clean slate before you can put something back together" (p.243) is the advice that Grace Hammond receives in Mary Simses's The Rules of Love & Grammar. The advice was given regarding the restoration of an old bike that had once belonged to her sister, but Grace finally realizes that it can be applied to her life.

For Grace, her slate need to be cleared of grief. Grace has been running away (a common theme in books - see my previous post) from the grief over her sister's death as a result of a misplaced sense of responsibility in the events that lead up to her sister's fatal car accident. The truth of the matter is that after her sister's death, Grace and her parents never spoke openly resulting in the formation of deadly family secrets. In Grace's mind she thought her sister was her parents' favorite and that she could never measure up. What her parents never shared with her was that their oldest daughter had a drug/alcohol addiction and mental health issues including a suicide attempt. As a result, years were wasted. Grace's grief hampered her from finding her true place in the world. She struggled with forming lasting loving relationships and pursuing her passions utilizing her innate skills.

If you follow my blog you already know that my family's secret included the suicidal deaths of two family members. I know that grief that goes unspoken. I've lived the stunted life that comes from never properly letting go of the grief. Lesson finally learned from all of this - speak the truth! Others need to hear it for they too may be suffering and to know they are not alone.

My new found interest in mixed media is one result of letting go of old grief that had held me bound. I have wiped the slate and started again. Each piece of artwork is like that - a clean piece of paper or canvas. It can be scary, oh so scary - what if I don't get it right? That's the second battle - overcoming perfectionism. My advice to you - just do it. There are parts of the piece above that I love and parts of it that don't quite work, but I did it and I will keep on doing it.

If you love Vermont - The City Baker's Guide to Country Living

Sweet Life in the Kingdom -
Collage

The husband and I have begun the search for where we might like to spend our golden years, or a least take extended stays in quaint New England towns with awesome inns, restaurants, shops (especially bookshops!), easy hiking trails, waterways for kayaking, and the list goes on. Living centrally located in Massachusetts allows us to go venturing in all directions, but one of the more traveled routes lately has been to Vermont, which has a special place in my heart as my great-grandparents had a dairy farm in Stowe.

Lousie Miller has set her novel, The City Baker's Guide to Country Living, in the northeast portion of the state colloquially known as the Kingdom. Olivia Rawlings, award winning, magazine-featured, pastry chef based in Boston has just had her life take one of those turns and instead of facing the fallout she skedaddles up to her best friend Hannah's place to hide out. But she has debts to pay and a living to make and before she knows it Hannah has arranged a job interview for her at the Maple Leaf Inn.

She gets the job and a lot more than she bargains for. Her boss Margaret is exacting and old fashion, the kitchen is not high tech, the living accommodation doesn't have indoor plumbing, and like many little towns everybody wants to know her business. In time she settles in and even falls in love, but once again when her world gets turned around she runs.

There is the old adage about the things you don't like in someone else are most likely the traits that you don't like in yourself. Olivia has a brashness about her, which is clearly her defense mechanism for dealing with life. Her childhood wasn't the easiest and she had to look out for herself so she doesn't want anyone telling her what to do even if they have her best interests at heart. Unfortunately she also learned to run when things got tough.  Eventually Olivia needs to make some hard decisions - what's most important to her? Who's most important to her? And most importantly - can she stop running away?

Now I might not physically run away when things get tough but I certainly find ways to avoid the situations I find myself in. When I was growing up I thought I understood the pathway I should follow. I did a great job doing just that, but then there came a day when I realized that perhaps it was a path that didn't always make me happy so I would strike out on a new path usually without giving it much thought as to whether or not it was the right one. I've been successful on many of these paths even if I wasn't always happy. Now I've discovered that I really want to follow a creative pathway. It's a scary path because I doubt it will make me rich or famous, but what it does is make me happy. In fact, I think it has been the pathway that I've been avoiding taking for so many years. There is the struggle with my perfectionism and my fears, but I think it's worth starting to stick around and do the hard things. SPOILER - Olivia figures this out for herself as well.

If you're looking for great places to visit in Vermont we found the following inns through Select Registry and Distinctive Inns of New England : The Barrows House and sister property The Dorset Inn  and The Grafton Inn

History Lessons - The Perfume Garden

Perfume Garden - collage
Old letter and other scraps

There are many novels written today using multiple points of view to tell the narrative. In historical fiction it is quite common to have one voice be from the past and one from the present and along the story arc the two lines eventually connect and The Perfume Garden by Kate Lord Brown is one such novel. To be honest as a reader I'm getting a little tired of the format.

At the opening of the novel, dated September 11, 2001, we meet Emma Temple successful perfumer, head of a multinational business and pregnant. Unfortunately Emma has been hit with a triple whammy - the father of her child has just left her for another woman who is also a partner in the business, these two are negotiating to sell the company for big bucks, and her mother has succumbed to her battle with cancer leaving Emma with an unusual inheritance in the form of a wooden box of letters and the deed to a house in Spain.

 It doesn't take much to realize where all this is heading. Her former lover is in New York to finalize the sale of the company at a breakfast meeting to be held at Windows on the World when she finally tells him the news of her pregnancy. By the end of the day he will be among the missing. Emma needs to get away from it all and decides to take up residence in the house in Spain and that's where the setting of the story turns its focus. The house holds secrets that stretch back to the days of Spain's Civil War and many in the town think it is haunted.

Stop and Smell the Flowers -
collage and zentangle

What I do like about historical fiction is learning a bit of history that I didn't know much about. I can honestly admit that as a student I learned very little about the Spanish Civil War, but it is the central event of this novel. Many American and British men and women were compelled to go fight, provide medical assistance or report on the events (think of Hemingway). Emma's grandmother and great-uncle were two such people.

Emma begins to read her mother's letters while restoring the house, which reveals some of its secrets. Emma goes in search of people who will help her to untangle the mystery. I'll let you read the book for yourself to find the answer to Emma's quest.

One of her mother's letters included the following lines - "Make perfumes that remind people how wonderful it is to be alive. Because it is, Em, to be alive is glorious, and people need to remember that, and to stop and smell the flowers." (p.87) This is significant in so many ways. Here is a dying woman reminding her child of the beauty of life even when you are in the midst of death. This novel had death surrounding the characters in the form of war, yet each strove to live fully - to risk and to love. We need to remember daily to find the joy in life and yes it is there even on the darkest of days - you just have to look. You have to look at the small things because it is in those things that we see and feel the most joy, but they are the things that most of us take for granted and pass over. Keep your eyes open!

Christmas Vacation Reading I - The Strange Disappearance of a Bollywood Star

Bollywood inspired - collage, zentangle and
colored pencil. 

The best part of Christmas vacation is the opportunity to read more. Of course I read all the time, but on vacation you have hours of down time, plenty of hot coffee or tea, and a comfy spot in front of the sparkly tree wrapped in the blanket that you knitted while listening to audiobooks. Ah bliss can be found on the darkest (the solstice has just past) and coldest (temps this week are averaging below zero for the lows and single digits for the highs) days of the season.

Earlier this fall I started a new job, which resulted in a longer commute - great I thought I can get more reading done while I drive. No, I am not a menace to society, I keep both hands on the steering wheel and both eyes on the road, but both ears are tuned into the audiobook that is playing from my car's sound system.

Always looking for something new to try, I downloaded a title by Vaseem Khan from my public library - The Perplexing Theft of the Jewel in the Crown. I was charmed to meet Inspector Ashwin Chopra (Retd) of the Mumbai police force, his wife Poppy, and the many characters that fill their lives. So I was happy to place an order for a Christmas present to me - Khan's newest title in the series The Strange Disappearance of a Bollywood Star.

Once again I was transported from my New England town around the world to another city and culture. Parts of the story are light hearted, but there are several important issues presented in this book. While filming song and dance filled movies in the Bollywood tradition is occurring, Chopra is dealing with the kidnapping of a young rising star. There are insinuations that organized crime and money lenders may be responsible. Chopra's assistant, Sub-Inspector Rangwalla (who was forced out of the police by a corrupt superior) has gone undercover to solve a mystery dealing with a group of India's struggling citizens - the eunuchs. I had a basic understanding of India's caste system, but didn't realize the difficulties these people face. The struggle of transgendered people is widespread throughout many cultures, but Khan's message is that all people deserve to be treated with dignity and have the opportunity to have a successful life and career. One book can't solve such large societal problems, but it can help to raise our awareness and encourage discussion and change. But in the end Inspector Chopra, Sub-Inspector Rangwalla, Poppy, and Chopra's ward - a little elephant named Ganesha, go the extra mile to successfully solve the cases that come to their little detective agency seeking justice for their clients.